white ink

I'm done with what i want for my white ink and i'd be getting it next weekend.
To get me through this, a reminder, a push, a memoir on skin.
I'd love never to crumble in my own thoughts ever again.
This period in my life, i'd love to remember as much as i'd love to forget, ironic i know, but i guess it's really the transitional phase that went on a few years too long and this time round, this could very well make or break me.



School work and tests have been depressing.
What's worse than not doing well?
Studying so effing hard, walking into the rooming, flipping the pages and having ever single detail that could roll off my tongue so easily moments ago... just disappear.
Just jumble up and not make sense. It's demoralizing in ever sense of the word, and the worst? it felt like o's.





Ronald tagged me in a note on facebook and i found it really meaningful.
I've always known this , but sometimes i get so caught up entangled in everything that i feel as if my world's gonna crumble.
But it isn't, it never did.
There will always be people who have worse problems than us, way worse. But that doesn't mean we should ever belittle the problems of others around us, no matter how seemingly small it is to you.
But i best not get start on this, there's never a right or wrong and i'd end up going in argumental circles.



Someone told me yesterday that life sucks cuz her dad put a limit on her credit card and she can't spend as

much as before. Thus making me think about this thing in my head I've always contemplated. I think we

lead two lives. Life in society. Life in naturality. Life isn't bad. It's society and technology and a drive to

connect with the fast paced world around that makes your brain stupid to simple stuff. Why you should tell

yourself Life Is Good if you're a lucky one that falls under the stuffs below. and cut down on life sucks. Cuz

The sunrise is beautiful. Cuz the sunset is too. Cuz the stars that shine at night are too. Cuz there's a

roof above your head. Cuz you can eat, drink, walk and talk. Cuz you don't need to worry about dying

in a moment from explosives, bullets, invaders. Cuz most of the time you get to choose "want" over

"need". Cuz you have someone who loves you. Cuz there's also another big bunch of small little stuff

when you sit down, straighten out your mind, take a breather and take a little time to think that'll turn

that frown upside down. I guess we all wanna strive to live in the "happiness" equivalent of society.

But when the going gets tough, simplicity is simply being able to find happiness in simple things :)





And if there's one thing i'd really love to have in the future. It'll be a beautiful home.
Not a house, but a home (:
A beautiful place i can call my own, that's filled with love and happiness and comfort and family.

We celebrated an early valentine's and it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me and it left me touched and crying. Every single detail and every thought put into it really meant alot to me.
wanna hold you close, want to hold your hand and fall asleep, want to be there for you all the time yobo <: i love you.

and sorry wont make a change

fucking scared now, of myself, of what i will cause.
What happened , why do i crumble like i used to? Slave myself to my own emotions and thoughts.
I cant stand these moments, and i dont want anyone to see them.
I never ever want to make someone upset like that ever again, i cant believe i let myself to.
You're a fucking burden, audrey.

Le love

" I feel ripped off by Disney movies. I grew up believing that my very own Prince Charming would find me, and it would be lovely, and I would be happy forever and there would never be a spider in the bath, or a blown light bulb when I’m home alone, or a rainy day when I missed the bus. My Prince Charming would never let me feel sad. I honestly believed that, because seeing is believing, and that was all I’d seen.

But I was little then, and now I am fourteen years old, and I wonder if Prince Charmings even exist. I know I’m too young to feel like this, but I’m glad of it. I’m glad I’ve realized now that even if I did find that perfect boy for me, sometimes spiders might still crawl up through the drain and I might only see them once I’d gotten all my bubble bath and candles ready. And I know that bus drivers are dickheads and won’t stop driving for someone who’s running to the stop, even if I do find the love of my life. I am glad that I know, now, that it’s okay if I never have a man like Prince Eric or Aladdin. Because Eric fucked a fish lady and Aladdin wears stupid pants anyway, and they couldn’t solve all my problems with a pretty song and dance.

So I feel ripped off by Disney movies, because they lied to me when I was just a gullible little kid, and made me wish I could go to a ball and find the love of my life. I feel ripped off, because they made me hope for something impossible. I feel ripped off, because what I’ve learned in my short life is not to believe what you see in movies. And now, if my very own Prince Charming came along, I wouldn’t even see him. "


- lily, 14 year old.



"Honey,

It's not that there will never be spiders in your bath or asshole bus drivers or bad bulbs...the reality of life is not that your love will make those things disappear, it's that you will have someone to capture the spider and take it outside, to kiss you in the rain and make you laugh at how silly you looked chasing that bus, and light a candle for you when you call him to come and save you from the dark.

Life is not a Disney movie. Trust me, I've been where you are, and it might take a year or 5 or 10, but you will find your love and it will make everything worth it. It will be better than a Disney movie, I promise you that.

So don't lose hope, don't give up. All the waiting, all the pain and loneliness you feel, all those bad days and bad guys and cold nights will become insignificant. They'll still be there, they never go away...but your love will overpower them. He may not be a prince by any means, but he'll be yours and he will save you.

<3 "



- Stephanie





It's nice to read what people think about love.

Opposites

random mornings.

Taking a break on the report and i found these images on the web. It's seriously not easy to keep up the pace when you have to redo just about your entire report again. I'm hating computer crashes for that very fact.






Ombre hair.
Amazing or whaaat.









the innocence of kids (:








And an amazing and incredibly heart rending video. It's never failed to make me teary-eyed even though I've watched it a few times. It's really wow how you see all kinds of people with all kinds of life stories coming onto the same set to chase the same dream. Seeing someone so sincere just brings about some thoughts in me.
How many sincere and genuine people do i really have in my life? Seems foxes' tails are slowly popping out one by one. I wouldn't wanna end up like z, placing so much importance and caring so much for them, when really, they're all just hypocrites. It's just sad. I don't want to be taken for granted ever again, i don't want to be caring so much for the wrong people who'd just backstab me on day.
And it's yobo's first day of work at Pawfrenz tomorrow. It's gonna be awesome, he'll be learning so much. Was happy seeing how happy and excited he was after heading over today. i'll be over to visit lucas and everyone else soon, it's gonna be nice reliving how it was to work back there and probably when the holidays start i'll be back there helping out.
It'll be pretty awesome if i actually do get to open that one stop dream petshop and maybe our "uhuhsiol" dream could come true.
Yobo, jia you (: We'll get past each of our biggest fears together. I'll be there for you, however long it takes for you to find what you have in mind as a stable career. For now, we'll just take one step at a time. This holidays, we do some awesome planning alright? Thank you for being here.

checkmate

Fighting back for balance.
Fight on.

thanks for the mmrs.

Yesterday, this morning, every little moment had me thanking my lucky stars. The negativity has been harder to deal with than i imagined and it did leave me in doubt, but sans that i know i wouldn't have it any other way than what i have now. I broke surface. I went on a playback. i went on a fast forward. We talked about the past, about the present, about the future. We talked about us and about others, thoughts, fears, strengths, weaknesses, friends, family, love, passion... faith. What we each wanted, what we had in mind to achieve and all the what if's. I learnt alot. The justifying of everything without biasness just gave me a clearer view of everything, where i stand, what i truely believe in. At time, some things are still a blur, plagued with uncertainty. But the time will come when it all comes clean. And last night, i threw away categories. Classifications of "friends" "family" "close friends" "loved ones", it's really just " the people who matter" . Isn't it?
Baby if you see this let me know wokaaay (: Cos i think you're the only weirdo who would be highlighting my posts, but i cant be sure. I love you yobo, yesterday was amazing. Just us sharing our thoughts, you listening to me, no assumptions no judgements no rebuttals, i've never really had that. And you being there just listening, it means alot to me. The fact that i'm telling you every single thing about me and not being scared, it means alot too. Same for me, if you died today, i will wail.

"So much held in a heart in a life. So much held in a heart in a day, an hour, a moment. We are utterly open with no one, in the end - not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each, but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when we are older we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scored and torn, repaired by time and will, patched by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall."



Joyas Voladoras, Brian Doyle

metronome

There's always a balance,
There always needs to be.
Some balances are meant to be made,
others, are meant to be.

why?

"...AIYO WHY YOU LIKE THAT?!... "

to hold

δύναμη

what's burned at stake

After a short while, past the little turbulence,
things have a little change in perspective.
And it's all painted in cynic humour.

Run baby run

Thank you for keeping me sane in my insane little thoughts,
Hopefully i'd be able to do well and make you proud.
Bursting with underlying stress now ):
After all this madness we can tick things off the list one after another,
go go get going audrey.
yobooooo saranghaeeee!

These were from really long ago. I miss going for reggae classes and man, i've fallen so far behind in dance it's unnerving. Gotta pick up the pace soon.
JADE I'M DATING YOU FOR CLASS ALRIGHT.

fueling insecurity.

You hush yourself to sleep,
" You are fine "
And bite your lips till they bleed, this is the now.
And you're living a lie.

Goodbye days

Thinking of picking up japanese again, but i doubt it'll be anytime soon considering all the stuff i have at hand, on hold or being taken care off.
Quite a waste really, dropping third language in secondary school.
Soon, looking forward to expanding my shrunken japanese vocab to more than " can i go to the toilet", " sorry i'm late", " faster faster" and a whole lot of other erm... nonsense.

unsettling

You know how sometimes things around you just feel like dust.
One moment everything is all fine and calm, just like dust left on a shelf too long, it's just there and everything stays the way it is.
But all it takes is a small breeze, a little motion and it all gets thrown off tandem.
The specks levitate and everything just starts unsettling.
And there's always a mark where things got disturbed, very much like a scar.
It isn't a nice feeling at all.



Wind doesn't bring away uneasiness the way it does with dust.

i am ... :



1) going to try and conquer MBIO
2) damn scared i'll end up getting chicken pox
3) thinking of getting vaccinated
4) proud of how much i cleared around the house
5) wondering when my entire house will finally be cleaned
6) looking forward to finally having a water heater
7) craving for a bloody lot of things
8) extremely happy for briyanni and nana and myself <3
9) itching to get back to stuff for the blogshop
10) on cloud 983047183294723640 everytime i see yobo
11) worried about FTL
12) dead stressed everytime i think of MBIO
13) still dreaming about striking TOTO
14) hatching an evil thought in my head and wishing it would come true
15) missing yobo
16) wishing all would really be fine
17) pissed of by people who talk too much shit
18) irked at that thought still
19) glad i met jade yesterday
20) constantly worrying about what would happen
21) thankful for everyday
22) awaiting this crazy week to pass
23) worried about my constant fatigue
24) constantly thinking about concert ):

sick kicks.

BIGBOYTHANG
click the above!













HEAD DOWN TO BIGBOYTHANG'S SITE FOR MORE KICKS.
AND MORE DOPE STUFF TO LOOK OUT FOR COMING SOOOOOON.

yobo?

tamade hen baichi <3
but wo xihuan.

surreal

Ever felt so happy you got scared?
Like everything was so surreal you felt like it was a dream,
one you were afraid of waking up from.

my definition

I spent pretty much the later half of 2009 thinking, trying to figure out, trying to define happiness. I was trying so hard to find something tangible, something i knew i could fall back on, something i felt i could finally seek comfort in... And i tripped over and over again. Defining happiness became something unhappy for me. But here i am , 2010 has just begun,
and where i am right now, it's happiness. No more searching blindly, aiming too high, reaching out too far... I'm just feeling this moment not thinking and just enjoying it. I cant quite put a finger to what it is exactly, but things are looking up , my mind's clearer i'm thinking more rationally, i'm being less emotional and i'm happy (:



If there's one thing i'd do this year,
It's to treasure whatever i have right now.
I've learnt the hard way about taking things for granted, because sometimes, it's really just too late to apologise and too late to salvage everything.
And now that i have what i have, i don't want to lose it, be it school, friends, dance, studies, money, love, family.
It's time i really cleaned up my act proper and do some maintaining.
09 was a pretty bad year for me, too much drama too little done but everything bad is just a figment of my memory now.
Truth be told, it all feels far away.
And apart from GEMS and the fb perf, I've had zero emotional attachment to anything else.



2010 has had a great start so far, I snapped out of denial and finally told myself that it's not going to work and i found closure overnight knowing i had given my all and it was time to move on. I found a huge part of happy, leaving me smiling and thankful and loved every day so far. Bridges i had foolishly chosen to break are mending back each day. And i realised how much i've really fallen behind in studies, i go to school and ... i don't know a single shit. It's not easy climbing back out from that pit, but i'm trying and i'd make it work enough for me to hopefully get me near that 4k. I'm making more time for the family, alot more, spending weekends with my grandpa and possible stayovers at my grandma. Blogshop wise, it's been a lil stagnant, new year, new start i plan to do some major revamping... like say. A CHANGE IN NAME. haha okay stupid fickle minded me, that'll be the third name once i change and the last. And lastly dance, i'm opting out of concert. Which really pains me, but i'm just not ready this year, and i know myself well enough that if i had to choose dance or studies, i'd definitely prioritise dance. Which would cause me to fuck up another round and i really do not wish to stay another year. So yea, i better make sure i sit my ass down to do some studying when i have to. I guess there's still FTL to look out for , don't think i could deal with anymore shit cropping up in dance just cause i just wasn't my best so i better redeem myself this time round.



Lastly, i stick by my stand that time isn't a measure for love.
Nobody knows clearer than us what happened, so if there are people who don't bother knowing and who are very keen to talk shit, fuck you. Don't assume.



It's 5am, i'm finally off to bed, drowsy meds got me sleeping way early and i finally feel sleepy.
Hope 2010 would be a good year for everyone around me (:
AND JADE IF YOU SEE THIS, I MISS YOU LIKE MAD I CANNOT WAIT FOR MONDAY.
AND AH MU I WILL SEE YOU SOON OKAY!!!!

Insomia

This is really irritating, it's the third night of insomia.
I am freaking tired, i really want to sleep.
I've tried counting sheep, drinking warm honey water, reading, lying on the bed stoning and even studying.
I want to study like now, couldn't catch a single probe/nylonmembrane/singlestranded thing in lab.
but because i'm tired, nothing is going in and i've been rereading the same slide for 10 minutes.
shittttttttttt.
And zilch to reliance on drugs, tamade i dont want to see my doctor again.
This is why it is better to be socially closed up to problems, people judge, people have a thing to say. And most of the time, they choose to see things their way. I hate it when people belittle the problems of others, be it mine or someone else's.

2010.2

2010 has been pretty twisted for me so far.
I spent new year's eve knocking out for 16 hours, the only thing that reminded me it was new year was yobo's phone call to countdown. Then the next day sees me doing something i never really thought i would but i have zero regrets. I drank till i puked which was pretty funny because it wasn't much but i fell in love with that feeling of lying out alone staring at the stars with everything spinning.
And now I'm falling asleep downing sugar sachets.
What was sad, was knowing i was taken for granted. To hear those words and it sinks in that he finally realised everything. But it's too late, and i wont look back. Because i am happy now.
It's been a whirlwind, but it's so refreshing.
Very much like a breath of fresh air from breaking surface.
I could live with a new start, i really could.