numb

I'm sitting at home, completing AHD, okay more like in the midst still.
Glad the fila chart was long out of the way.
Today's MBIO was, laughable.
I was so pathetic that the only thing i felt like doing was to laugh at myself.
My paper was quite literally blank, and in that large gap in time, so was my mind.
It's funny, ironic and every sense of the phrase- a sorry sight.
Looking at me now, and looking at me then, i've lost so much.
Have i actually really gained anything?
People always talk about gaining something and losing something, but it seems that my balance is somewhat teetering off the scale. And that scares me.
Because if this form of extremity carries on, I'm going to end up a wreck.
Every single time that i study for a paper or get back my results, this picture of the past me always hits me.
I'm now the girl i never thought i would be, never could very well even placed myself near...
Olevels? Prelims? PSLE?
What the fuck were all those, what was the use of every little achievement i had then?
I guess i conveniently forgot that people rarely remember what you've done, they remember you for what you never did.
This feels like falling off the pedestral, over again.
Last night, i thought thoughts till my migraines came back and i laid in bed, thinking till i slept.
All that came back to me, was a hollow echo.