Tuesday, December 29, 2009

ever felt like falling over?


I've been stagnant recently, everything's just taking a backseat... for myself, absurdly enough.
I must say , having history repeat itself all over again isn't the most fun thing around but it is just awkwardly nostalgic, though not exactly in a good way.
And it was a nice walk through nostalgia, someone else's. When i look back, what did i have?
it's true, i was forced to grow up too fast. Childhood wasnt fun, it was merely had lesser problems.

I had a friend who told me to look back to the past, but no, that particular memory isn't exactly something i'd like to touch again. Somehow i like things the way they are now, while in search of this happiness, i do get happiness, alot of it from there. But it just isn't... right. Because how can you split something like that ? And the extremely keel over part? That i am vaguely aware of my feelings yet i choose to live in politically correct denial. Why? Because it would be wrong otherwise, wait... till this point, it is already wrong but i cant help it. And being completely honest, there's this weird security in this. I don't think i could seat myself through the whole ordeal again, and how can i right? Wished cauli was here for me to rant at now, sure, not practical smart advice but sometimes you don't need that. There's only 2 things that could help me in the decision, do i be true to myself?
I am scared, very scared. Humans err don't we? Are we stupid enough to err twice? I think i might be. How did things end up like that? Can i really get them back, do i honestly want to try? Because today i knew what i felt, it was a no.
Can i even? Because the last time i tried to be a tad more sensitive to my own feelings, i was labelled a selfish bitch. Or something less harsh but pretty much along the lines.

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