Sunday, September 13, 2009

Today , i close up and cry.
Forget about being strong and independent and every other thing i've been trying to be, been trying to prove.

Forget about reaching out to people, people i hold dear just because i thought they'd understand, because i just needed someone. Today, i wished i were normal, i wished i were a bitch, i wished i din't have the decency to consider everyone else's feelings so that i could once speak my mind and be happy. For me so that i could stop trying to suppress everything in, trying so hard to please, to not make people upset. Wishing i was less sensitive that small comments, small details that i catch on wouldn't upset me hours on end and leaving me feeling inadequate leaving me crying. I'd never forget 2 nights back at the playground, it was the very first time, i spoke my mind, the very first time, i truely let anyone in on all my memories, all the feelings i've chosen to stash away just to start anew. All those feelings and memories that make me who i am today, that break me into this state. I thought putting the past behind was easy. I thought starting anew was going to be fine, but it's not. The lingering traces have been so evident , all the awkwardness, my tendencies, yet i've chosen to shelter myself in denial hoping all those moments would pass and i could be that perfect shell i wanted to be. Moulded into a friendly mask of approachable warmth. But who am i kidding, really? I just fray into ends, ugly ends that do nothing but provoke me everytime i'm alone.

Maybe i'll be better tomorrow, maybe i'll be better a week later, up about and fighting strong.
But right now, I just falter, disjointedly.

Today, i wished i were a fighter.

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