Monday, September 14, 2009

make me fight again.


GEMS. I miss GEMS, i really do.

GEMS was the first dance/production/performance that I truely realised what I was doing and what i really wanted from it. The mad rush of running about back stage, in and out costumes, dashing into this curtain and coming out of the next, the bated breath and pounding heartbeat as i peek through the curtain... waiting for my moment.
And the moment i step out - i get hit by the wave of glaring lights, the audience is a dark mass, my expressions get in tune and i move...I realise, i'm not thinking, I'm dancing.
Dancing and lapping up every single moment on stage. So surreal, i know.

At home, yet weirdly enough, such a foreign experience for me.
How often have i been up performing, competing, dancing? Very.
Yet here it was, like a completely different realm to me.
For many it was their virgin experience up on stage dancing, for many it was another dance, another moment on stage.
For me, at that moment, it meant the world.
I've been dancing my whole life, genre after genre, year after year, stage after stage.
Sadly, i'm not proud of it at all.
I never really grasped hold of what exactly i was doing, never truely thought about my journey, never understood the principles, never felt for the dance...

That's why GEMS meant so much to me, it was the first time i truely felt for my dance.
The first time i was conscious the entire way of the journey, what i wanted from myself, what i needed to do, how much and how i wanted to improve.
No laurels to be won, no tangible achievements or recognition...
Yet i found the greatest gift that night-
I found my true love for dance.

Everytime i lose inspiration, i get demoralised, i'd watch the GEMS videos.
Every single item i was in, just to recollect, just to relive those moments again, just to get me going.
I watched it today, i'll watch it tomorrow, and i'll keep watching until i get that love back.
Every single drop of those feelings.

I placed dance in the cold room, too preoccupied with all my other issues, it's been 3 weeks.
Everytime i read about someone's day with dance, i'd feel a pang.
Because i'm stuck. Stagnant. Stale.
And scared.
Scared of being inadequate, scared of being judged.
And that's why i've never been for any open classes or courses apart from reggae.
Comfort zones make me feel safe, yet they make me weak.

I know i have to, i know i will... find back that love once again.
I want to learn to love and fight once more.

No comments: