Monday, May 04, 2009

well, fuck you.
i'm a person, i.have.feelings.

with the coldness and hostility i had to bear for one entire fucking day,
you expect me to smother up to you with love?
let's see,
what did i get in return?
more of your fucking hostility.
you reacted exactly how i expected you to and maybe even worse.

i know, small little things have been piling up and you've been displeased with me.
but that does not give you the right to trample all over my feelings,
leave me aside to bawl my eyes out,
rub salt onto all the wounds you inflicted
and proceed to shower me with your loving hostility when you felt like it.

does this issue really bother you that much?
does it?
or is it just a matter of your face?
i believe i did alot to give you face.
while so many have to deal with all those fucked up asses screwing around with their lives so badly and wasting it away, you should be thankful.
because i have stayed out of trouble.
i have done so much to bring you whatever face that even gave you a chance to boast about.
i did so much that everything i worked for, was never for me.
i know i did not say anything, because that's not me.
as much as i sometimes wished you'll notice the effort, i never blantantly asked you for it.
i never demanded anything.
when i needed someone the most, where the fuck were you?
yet i never did blame you.
because i tried to put myself in your shoes, i tried to understand how hard it was and is for you, i tried to be the one whom you could rely and place your hopes on.

but what's really hurting me so fucking much right now,
isn't the fact that you never really acknowledged what i did because to you i'm just supposed to,
nor is it that you werent there.
it's the plain and sad truth that at this very point of time,
you don give a fuck about my feelings.

don come to me and say those things as if you were fucking noble.
because you are confused.
you dint know what you wanted from that conversation,
you just exploded.
right this very moment,
i would like to give a flying fuck about everything and be a bitch.
because just this once,
i should be entitled to stop suppressing everything in.
for just this fucking once, i should be able to express myself in this space of my own.
just because you had a probable problem of expressing yourself, or maybe even getting your thoughts sorted.
and what's laughable, is that i still kept everything in.
you should really be grateful
that i take whatever negative feelings i have out on MYSELF AND NOT YOU.
do my arms need a few more scars before you fucking realise that?
or do i need to wave my fucking swollen fist infront of your face before it registers?
but then again,
to you.
my scars were all part of "a phase"
oh yes, said with a bloody flippant tone.
a fucking phase whereby i'll grow out of.
a phase whereby i was silly.
maybe you would have thought otherwise if you saw my hands on the first paper i took for the o's.
then again, maybe not.
because the extend of my self-hate occurs to you as merely trivial.
yet another " passing phase".

as of this moment, i have zero respect for you.
because you have none for me.
i'm sorry, you don intentionally cause hurt to the people you love,
realise they're getting hurt and not feel anything.
and continue to make it worse.
fuck it.
i thought maybe it was just a matter of "loving the wrong way", like you always told me to tolerate about her.
but today,
i realised.
in your head.
i am entirely at fault.
and that whatever you did was for the greater good of me.

i am so fucking tired.
i will be hoping that tomorrow, everything will be fine,
just the same as i were hoping yesterday.
for once, for one bloody time, let me have an outlet.
and not be judged.
i dont need anymore of that already.
i've had enough of it today, not just from her but also to the others.
i'm not stupid, thanks.
i know all of you are just reading one side of that story,
forget it.
as always, i'll take the fucking rap for everything. everything.
sick of trying so earnestly to explain.

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