Wednesday, December 10, 2008


cinta! my hair curlist for recital (: thanks so much. i guess curls are pretty cool but they make me a tad old and for now, i think i like my unruly hair quite a bit- sometimes.
i'm really starting to miss recital alot. it isn so much the dance this time but more of the people. life is queer. these people are people whom i only see once a week, only a few hours and yet i had so much fun and i will treasure those times. yet, ... idmtaa. i only missed the dance.
cintaaaaku, i'll see you soon during the dance film thing.

i always knew it was this way, but never saw how much it really meant, until now.
how people will just keep going on hope.
it's like, they they'll just hold on to it and just keep going and going until it just runs out.
one relative of mine just passed away and it was a long fight for her, when i think about it, i feel sincerely feel that it was more of her family holding on to the hope that was keeping her going all these while. it's pretty unnerving when you think about it, like how you want to give up, but yet the whole world is stopping you and sometimes you're continuing just on obligation. you're living for others, not yourself.

yet sometimes, everyone does need a third party opinion cos we're just too blinded by what we've told yourselves to be immersed in for too long. how many times had she just wanted to give up but her family told her to keep pushing. countless. really countless. all those times in the hospital, having a heart transplant, knowing that things could get better- all hope. yet, not really hope she was counting on. and to actually know that her children were afraid of seeing her was just heart wrenching, i cant imagine being in her shoes. i was 2 and a half then, and yet i cried, they're sec 1 and a lil younger and they see fear. it's just sad.

if i was in a coma, for a real long time. for say 1 year? i would rather be dead. when you die, your life ends there, but the people around you have to keep living.

and to have your loved one gone and dead is really a different thing from having to painfully feel their presence but never being able to actually be with them. it's another form of intangible i guess, not quite so much literal.

i really need reminders all the time.

to remind me how lucky i am. because i fail to realise it alot.

and fyi, this relative of mine developed heart problems from too much dieting. yes, dietng kills, she had to have a pacemaker implanted into her. i hope i'll never fall back into it again regardless of how irksome i feel i look like. even now, there has got to be something better. AFTER EXAMS I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!!!! i cannot stand looking like flubbery tree stumps anymore!!!!!!!!!

okay. AAAP ftw. HA.

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