Saturday, January 19, 2008

finally back at my grandma's house. it's been like what? 2 months plus(?) since i've stayed here. around the same time that i din set a foot back into my house during O's.

last night and today was smooth (: i like it this way, i wished it had always been like this. and it's nice to suddenly be back staying in a house that's spacious and clean, without having to bother about tripping over moutains of junk, bleedy load of cockroaches or influx of dust bunnies...

i'm currently midway sorting out all my O's stuff..
books,notes, worksheet....

and i'm hit by this immense and inexplicable wave of feelings,
it's kinda like a mixture of longing, regret, relief and reminiscence.
ah yes, i'm a few months too late, no?
i bet everyone had gone through their stuff eons ago.
though mine's so much later, i guess it's the sudden jolting of the memory after so long that kinda intensifies everything i'm supposed to feel.

it's super contradictory shit.
i mean it's really oxymoronic to feel longing for something and yet relief at the same time that its over. but then again, i always end up feeling like this. i admit, O's is a memory and experience that i wanna chuck out of my mind. it was a total mindf.

yet now when i filter through all the notes and exercise books i scribble on when revising.
there's this PANG.
it's like, i'm never ever gonna have to look through all these books and force myself to digest their contents again. then it feels very.... wasted.

these books were my boyfriends and i dated them day and night during that time.
on hindsight, it was the quantity of time but never the quality, which explains how come i hated the whole experience so much. i deprived myself of enjoyment only to realise i achieved nothing and end up basking in guilt. go figure.

i look at all the notes i did, making the effort to explain points in my own way of thinking so that it would be easier for me. and that raw raw tug at the heart... i dont know, it's ... so dejavu-ish.

it's the same kinda feeling , except with a different accent , that i felt at the finals of showtime, syf07, robotics in p5, and the countless times i spent thinking about how time passes so fast and wonder about where my life's going to lead up to.

i think about the preparation i put in and how all of it wore it's worth in a few hours each day, stretched over 3 weeks. there's the so near and yet so far feeling even though it's long gone.

the many subjects i tried to handle and struggle, and i realise.
That. Was. It.

my four years of secondary education all boils down to that 3 weeks of O's.
i could have screwed up big time or aced everything in the past 4 years,
but as long as i crapped up during O's, it's all gone.

and now i hate myself.
i know the results aren out.
but still there's that regret now.
on why i let emotion take over and i gave up...
At. The. Last. Lap.
all i gave wasnt my all.

the most significant day was the first paper. amaths.
effing bad start to an ardous course.
blood and tears and hatred and frustration and hopelessness.
obviously not the best concoction to bring into the exam hall on the FIRST PAPER.
everything else went downhill from then on.

4 years of effort.

i've got this longing.
of reliving my whole secondary life again.
because i know that this 4 years are exceptionally irreplaceable.

i went through the course of breaking into a new skin only to find out that i ws messing up.

i ended up grappling with issues that i know are superficial yet still prevalent.

i lost track of priorities so many times to invite regret , only to realise much later that one thing led to another and that some were blessings in disguise.

i gained and lost so much of me.

i had my heart broken.

i met loads of people who have left imprints in my memories and i'll never forget them. then there are the special few whom have taken up a special place somewhere within me.

it's like a revalation over and over again, one experience after another.
and i'll never get the same feeling again.
some memories still feel so surreal and like it happened just very recently.

.orientation o4.
.291104 to 150805.
.dance trip o4.
.mye o5.
.OAC o5.
.holybenevolent chalet o5.
.ccaday o6.
.valentine o6.
.talentine o6.
.ballet under the stars o6.
.teacher's day o6.
.Showtime o6.
.eoy o6.
.OBS o6.
.syf o7.
.Sweet Sixteen o7.
.O levels o7.

then there are the many different songs i tuned in to the different phases.
i remember :

qilixiang on repeat o4
neverbereplaced o4.
beautiful soul as a particular *'s msn nick o5.
collide on a particuarly heartbreaking mrt trip home o5.
fen shou kuai le by the lovely bn girls during art lesson to cheer me up
girls on top for countless dance prep for talentine o6.
you and me for just the reason that it's me and ah mu's gaga song o7. and that it reminded me of grad night.
happy birthday because the class burst out numerous times to waste time during lessons on the sweet sixteen.

i guess the above content befits more of something someone would have written on newyear's day to usher in o8 and reminiscence o7 and part of it for someone who completed O's.

it's 2oo8.
i'm 17 this year.
why is time passing so fast?


and my leg hurts like chickenbackside now.
my face is round like a fishball.
i feel like emo nemo cos i look like shit,
wat the heck happened to my plan?
i will not revert to the old ways cos it works fluff.
but what if the old way that i want doesn come back?

ah yesterday's reggae (:
i'm the shorty in white in between the gorgeous tallie jade and some hottie in long orange pants.

sigh. kuku me cant learn steps fast enough and i'm still conscious of ppl looking from the outside. so im still quite unfocused.kukukukukukuku.
hmm but the thought of course on thurs is very rewarding cos i get to miss something, hopefully!

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