Sunday, December 06, 2009

5.44am. It's been a really rough weekend, and the only reason for pulling through isn't me being strong. It's the people around me who truely matter that have been repeatedly pulling me back up. It is true then, that the people who matter the most are the people who can cause you the most pain because i felt it so raw this time round. It's scary being thrown back to memories, back when i was truely alone. I'm not alone now, I just need getting used to the fact that i no longer need to keep everything to myself. Because if there's one thing that hurts so badly, it's that choking feeling of not being able to breathe freely because i'm keeping everything in. 12 years of keeping everything all in is no joke, in fact it's crippling. It's the one reason i fumble with my speech so much, why i can't string my thoughts and feelings into sentences to be expressed. I don't know how long it'll take me , but be it weeks, months or years I'm willing to try till i can. Till i finally succeed at opening up to the right people.

For the people who saw the wounds today, I'm sorry if i shocked you. This is by no means any form of attention whoring, but i feel that it is only right to let you guys know, and you people are the few who read this space and it's weird if i messaged with an explanation. Awkward in fact, so i'll take this as a choice of read. At the same time, those who have "emo kid" racing in their minds when they see my wounds or scars , or in fact " stupid" should have a small read. I dont care what self-injury is to the rest of the world , but to me, at this point in my life it is still my way of seeking relief. It puts me out of pain the way some people do blowing off their steam by taking it out on others. It gives me the same kind of comfort some people get by pouring out everything to friends, by saying off a piece of their mind, by making their feelings known. I do not do it over trivial issues, it happens only when i reach my limit, when quiet and taking it all in is no longer a tolerable option. Neither do i do it for attention, if i wanted attention, i believe stripping naked and running down the street could get me more. In fact uneasiness is what floods me when people ask, no i'm not ashamed of what i do, what i'm not comfortable with is the explaining and the people who are too quick to judge who stick a stigma to you before knowing anything. Just because there are girls out there who get a thrill out of this, it doesnt mean i'm one of them, i'm not. If i could, i'd rather be able to take the conventional route of words. I am fine, this may be out of this world for some of you, but this is normal to me. Flaring out at someone is out of this world for me though it is normal for others, it is just my way of doing things. Have a change of perspective and everything would be the same.

I believe there'd still be people with something nasty to say. But however you'd love to 'sugarcoat' your seemingly harmless intentions or questionings, if it's venom that you've got, it's venom. No amount of manipulation is going to change that amount of poison. I may be easily swayed by fake fronts and twisted words and my judgement may get clouded but i know deep down, i can tell good from bad. It is just my choice of a second chance or a benefit of doubt. Words kill me as much as wounds leave me un-scalded. As much as it would affect me, I have accepted the fact that there are people like that. People so engulfed by their way of what's right that they'd have something to say about everyone else. Yes it would hurt me. But now, i no longer give a fuck.

If people cared enough, they'd learn the word "acceptance".
And if they were mature enough, they'd learn not to judge. Because you may think you've gone through shit, but have you really? Because you dont know what your subject of judgement has been put through, yours could really be nothing but a mountain out of a molehill doused with attention. You never know.

And to those who feel all alone, sometimes you arent at all. What you don't have, is someone who gets you completely, who knows how you feel, who knows what to say or do at the right time. They could do the right things but say they wrong ones, they could say the right things but do the wrong ones... Sometimes, ability fails intention. But intention is the key, they are trying.
I know what it is being alone, I've been there.
And where i am now is a far cry from where i've been, and i'm immensely thankful.

Is it all really worth it?

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