Friday, November 27, 2009

never enough

Nobody likes dealing with girls who cry, girls who are upset all the time, girls with insecurity issues. No, they're only fine with all that when you're beautiful. People don't bother dealing with ugly people like me, People who have zero spark about them. The kind of spark that makes you want to know more about them, makes you wanna be their friend, makes you wish you were them, makes you envy, makes you crave. I have none of that. I, have none. It kills me. I wake up on days wishing i was more special, i wish i were all that. no. I take that back. I had that spark before, the flawless juggling of 3 ccas, competitions , model student and bagging a top in school. Then the achievements just came one by one. I'm just suffering so many hits and misses now, I don know how i want somethings to go.It's falling very far and hard from grace. Maybe a bit too much to handle. Do i want to seal that part of my life like that? That one part that i thought could amount to something, one of the loveliest part of my life when i'll feel so happy doing. Promises, assurance, that's not enough. Why should i set myself in now, block out all choices? because i dont want to hurt another, but i'm not happy. I know i'm not. I dont know later, but now i'm not. I'm just saying okay because it's something i should do. Fight , fight. I'm trying to pry myself away, but i cant. why is it so hard for me to hurt someone just because i want to have a choice. i laugh at myself sometimes, my imagination. It does wonders, i love the world i imagine out. It's perfect, i dont get hurt much, even if i do something makes up for it. Things fall into place perfectly at the end. they do so , so very well. and it's wonderful.. I feel so fucking useless.
It's 3am. I should be asleep now, 4 more hours till i wake up to a performance. my mind is a wreck now, there's just too many things going on inside. Too many goals to attain, too much expectations, too many people to please, too many smiles to fake. I dont think i'm alright with saying " i'm not okay"...I'm always the girl who will smile at you, even when i'm crying my eyes out and tell you " i'm okay". When really, i'm not. I guess i've done a spectacular job lying all these while, people buy it. It is but a simple like. But that's enough to make me feel insecure, insecure of what i'm capable of , insecure of what i have. Fuck people who tell me beauty is skin deep and that looks don't matter. They do, they fucking do. I felt lousy in reggae today, i'm just feeling lousier each day and yet i'm doing nothing, i dont know where to start. Dance, my blogshop, money, love, studies, family, friends. I'm just trying to start somewhere, to make everything better. Yet i'm stuck. Simple as it maybe , i dont know how to. I dont know how to tell people what's it, what i'm feeling inside. It's always the same things, i always get the same words back. It's internal destruction, this fucking is. Sometimes i wish i were a tad more selfish. For once, really just think about myself instead of going head over heels trying to figure out what how i can make people feel better, caring so much about what i do so that people dont get hurt. It more of a flaw than merit, this trait. The whole world is smiling, and you're the only one left. Hurt? I've been hurt countless of times, every one around me who truely mattered has hurt me time and time again, but i still take it all in. Sometimes, i really think i'm stupid. This is one of those nights, when i look at all my clothes, all my materialistic things that i've bought with my hard earned money and just feel comforted. they never change, i never have to consider their feelings. Suddenly this part of not having to deal with emotions is very very relieving, it's liberating. All these, they are all mine. It's just me.

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