Thursday, May 07, 2009


Of insecurities.

Had a pretty relaxing day sans the hounding fpath assignment. All done for now though, and pretty proud of the effort i put in. i think i'm getting the hang of this, i hope i am anyway. I need to be. Progress is slow as hell but i'm trying and that's a good start though not enough.

Lab left me pretty brain-dead and i zombie walked my way home to continue with fpath after the meeting. Wished i worked less like a sloth, it's so excruciating slow. Focus, i need to stop being a housefly siggggghhhh.

Had a nice long talk with niger, leycia and fion. It was a really nice long talk :) Really blew away all my looming feelings. I guess it was the change of environment, a change to people whom were in no way whatsoever related to all the exhuastion i've been feeling. It's like breaking surface after holding my breath goggleless underwater. A blurry of visual, verbal and audio mess, suddenly all cleared. Most importantly, when we were talking, that exasperation and stress was gone. Thanks for making that short little session work out for me. It really meant a lot even though you guys probably werent thinking that much into it (:

Funnily enough, i felt happy seeing leycia and fion hitting all the way up to cloud 9 while talking about it. Especially fion! It's a sweet feeling, i'm still feeling that now (: haha i know i dint show it but i felt the same way thinking about it too okay! talk included, love, lace, purple, friendship, dance, priorities ... serious stuff made meaningful minus the horribly douchey atmosphere.

thanks for letitng me know how you feel about it leycia (: really! sometimes, i wanna get so caught up in it. to throw everything into it, but i always hold back, because i'm being realistic. Sometimes, being realistic is painful but i know it's for my own good.
To the 3 of you (:
let's do this more often, and i sincerely hope our days will get better.
Especially niger and leycia.
I'm not good with words verbally, but words penned down, i'm way better.

Puppy Love is a special love. It's that one time
that you just throw all caution to the wind, do the sweetest most cheesiest
things, go that long long mile , asking for nothing in return but that one extra
moment together. Everything is you living your fairytale dream and basking in
happiness. Treasure that time, because it comes once.
Only once, for the majority of us. After which,
you never love the same way again. Circumstances, hurt, experiences, maturity-
robbing away the simplicity of it all.

I FEEL THAT. definitely.
everytime something happens, i draw back. inch by inch but definitely working my way.
I forgive, but i never ever forget.
and that applies to myself too, which explains alot. a whole lot ):
this is about the insanely umpteen time i'm saying this, insecurity.
i hate insecurities, yet, they cling on me. sickening.
As much as i'd like to believe, i know life is never a bed of roses.
I said that one sentence of hope once before, but it failed me.
why should i be so sure, it wont happen another time?
irregardless, i've lost faith.
Just living for the moment, learning here and there but still trying.

i cannot get pass that nagging feeling. I don't want to bring it up cos it seems dumb and i always think so much. But my gut feeling is so strong. And the subtle signs, it scares me when i notice all these. A weird feeling that's both good and bad. But if i switched sides, i mean, WHY NOT? hell, i would too.
i am so pathetic, i swear.

my love will get you home has been on repeat at least 50 times. such an ideal .
i always pick snails up from the footpath and put them down on the grass
in the direction that they're facing because it would suck to get stepped on.
i'm weird like that.

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