Thursday, November 02, 2006

dance was crap today. or should i say i was crap during dance today.

i have no idea what was up with me. i kept screwing up the ballet section.
weeshan wasnt there was i was all alone to do the pairwork, needless to say i suffered a mental block mid way. AND TOTALLY FORGOT MY STEPS.

there i was like a doofus mans. okay, the rest were laughing (with harmless intentions), so was i. cause i guess its kinda funny. even deng lao shi laughed mans. but i felt like shit ( no no, not because they laughed, but because i sucked)

hoho, take2= sharon took over weeshan's place and it was waaaaaaay better. at least i din screw up and i remembered my steps.

last take. jamie took over sharon's place. and what happened? i screwed up again. mid way i just couldnt think of the steps and totally messed it up.

i was so so so angry at myself. while others had their partners to practise with, i was always alone. it wasnt like i din practise or anything. but i did. everytime while the other groups did, i was there dancing along with them. cos i knew how important my role was, how important it was for me to get it right since the attention was going to be focused on the two. when ppl were taking breaks i was still trying it out. did i rmb then? yes. did i do myself justice then? heaven forbid, no i dint.

i just screwed up each time it was my group's turn to dance. deng lao shi should have just cut out my group entirely. right from the start, mine had the most number of ppl who were clueless to it, only 3/8 were present yesterday and today, 3 ppl were missing. out of the 3 groups, mine always had the worse attendance and in the end least number of practices.

what hit hard was how i practised but everything just went to nought. i envy how well the others rmb their steps, how they dont mess up. then i just get angrier. at myself.

sharon was there telling me, its okay. you had to do a solo and solos are always like that. you get nervous and stuff. but even if a partner i still sucked. sharon had to do a solo the other practice but did she mess up when her partner wasnt there? nope, nada. she was still good.

im always such a hopeless case.mess up once and my esteem is practically mangled and i mess up more. the only reason that i got such an important part was because xiaojun and weiing weren there. otherwise, ill be as liuxing say, part of the calefare. syf was the same. i was the last two to get chosen. i shouldn even have been there. 20 was the actual no but he increased it to 22. i was lucky.

but hell, it sucked when i saw deng lao shi's frustration on the last time. silence fell on the third time. could feel the juniors looking at me, probably pitying me for being such a mess. well, fine crap, i pity myself too. i'll never be the senior that they'll wanna look up to.

and i rmb what the fresco guy said. ' i quit because there was no freedom. freedom is very important in dance' i haven forgotten his words one bit. how i wish i could dance with all the freedom like no one's watching.

one more day. its either do or die. i dont want to let deng lao shi down. most importantly, i don want to let myself down.

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